As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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