Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
