You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
