that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
