i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize