You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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