He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
