then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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