we have pet lesbian snakes
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Randomize
