I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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