I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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