Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
