We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
