so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
