You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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