it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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