How's work?
Spinning.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
