My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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