You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
