Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
