You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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