Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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