Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
