My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
