franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
