Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
