he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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