12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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