Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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