I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm getting married
To pizza
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
