Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
