So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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