Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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