ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
