ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
