I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
