i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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