I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
