I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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