I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
