im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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