Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
