There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
