I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
