What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
