I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
