chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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