Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize