she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
