I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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