so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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