all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My penis needs a shock collar
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
