why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Vodka?
Forever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
