youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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