8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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