Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
