12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
