Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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